Miyagi stopped me, but I couldn’t stop myself.
I don’t have to be calm and think about it.
I was crazy today.
I was crazy to call Miyagi and press for a kiss.
But I have no regrets.
Miyagi is the same kind of person because she didn’t run away.
She is no different from me.
Miyagi also kissed me because she wanted to.
I am sure that is what happened.
——Why, this is not true.
Miyagi was the one who allowed the kiss, but I was the one who pressed her to kiss me, and if I hadn’t done that, it wouldn’t have happened.
Now I know I am only fooling myself.
I know, but I think I should go to hell for even thinking about kissing again at this stage of my life.
Ugh, I sighed so hard I could spit out my brain.
Still, I sigh, as if emptying my lungs, and lie down on my bed.
On the wall of the room is a single blouse on a hanger.
Short-sleeved, it belongs to Miyagi.
It has been left hanging on the wall for a long time, so that is where the blouse has been placed.
「Let’s clean this up.」
I stand up and fold the blouse.
In the chest, it was tucked away next to a long-sleeved cut-and-sew garment given to me by Miyagi, or rather, imposed on me.
More and more of Miyagi’s things are eroding my room.
The 5,000 yen in my piggy bank was also given to me by Miyagi.
Even after graduation, her mark will remain.
I can spend the five thousand yen and throw away the clothes.
I know that, but as usual, I am still unable to do such a thing that anyone can do.
Since I can’t even tolerate kissing, any simple thing about Miyagi is too difficult to do well.
I exhale heavily instead of sighing, and my phone rings on my desk.
I looked at the screen and saw that it was Umina, and she was saying how much fun she had today, and that she wanted to go to another school’s festival this time.
Too lazy to give a proper reply, I give a single “yeah, right,” and toss my phone on the bed and head for my desk.
It’s not a very good schedule since the school festival has just ended, but in less than two weeks, the midterm exams will start.
I maintain high enough grades to be able to go to the university I decided to attend as long as I don’t have too much trouble, but I can’t stop studying.
I have no intention of changing my school of choice now.
But I am concerned about Miyagi’s words.
Sendai-san, stay here.
It looked like she was serious about that, but it was the kind of word Miyagi would never say.
But they seem like heavy words to be uttered on a whim.
If I stay here, my relationship with Miyagi will not end after the graduation ceremony.
It is tempting to think that way, but I don’t believe it is possible.
I will change my school of choice and stay here.
I had never considered that option and I don’t think it’s possible.
That’s because there is no point in going to college if I can’t get out of this house.
It is decided that my parents will take care of me until I graduate from college, no matter what college I choose.
Then I would like a college where I can leave here.
In the first place, the future will not come when Miyagi walks next to me here.
The stubborn Miyagi will keep her promise that this relationship will last until graduation, and even if she doesn’t, she won’t come next to me and say「Never walk away」like she did today.
I raise my right hand to look through the lighting and stare.
When I told Miyagi to hold my hand on the way home, I half meant it.
If she’s afraid, I’ll at least hold her hand.
That’s what I thought, and more importantly, I wanted to grab Miyagi’s hand, who was silently following me, and hold it as we walked.
I hold the hand I raised toward the ceiling and open it.
A little over a month ago, I had no desire to hold hands with Miyagi.
When I bumped into Miyagi at school, I didn’t want to hold her hand.
I may have wanted to touch her, but that was it.
But today I wanted to hold hands with Miyagi.
Since meeting Miyagi, I have been living in denial about my past.
Thanks to this, I don’t even know what tomorrow will bring, which is depressing.
The hands in my eyes are just hands, not much different from Miyagi’s hands.
I may be a little bigger than you in size for height, but it is a hand that does not seem to have anything noteworthy about it.
I want to hold hands with Miyagi, even though it should be the same hands as a little over a month ago and nothing has changed.
I even feel that if this hand is removed and falls off, it will go towards Miyagi.
If I only look at the act of connecting, I can connect with either Umina or Mariko.
With the two of us, we can connect as much as we want, when we want.
I can also connect with someone else.
That’s how much I can hold hands with anyone, but the number of people I want to hold hands with is limited.
If one say it is limited time or limited quantity, I get excited because I feel like it is a rare item, but I don’t want everything to be limited to Miyagi.
The action is too restricted.
My behavior should only be restricted to Miyagi after school.
Besides, we’ve already kissed, and almost did more than that, and now they want to hold hands, which is out of order.
With a sigh, I put my hand down.
I don’t have to hold hands.
I can tolerate this much.
I can even assure myself, but I can’t assure myself that I won’t kiss her.
「It’s Miyagi’s fault.」
Today, I have learned that if I ask for a kiss, Miyagi will accept it, even if reluctantly.
I am sure that if I say the same thing again, Miyagi will accept it.
When I think about it, I can’t say I won’t do the same thing I did today.
If it all ends with the graduation ceremony, it seems to me that there is no need to force ourselves to put up with a lot.
I know that no matter how much I say we are not friends, it doesn’t mean I can do anything I want.
Perhaps I dropped one of the screws I had fastened to keep reason from coming loose in the music prep room.
And the trouble is, I don’t intend to look for it, nor do I intend to prepare a new one.
「Ah— I’m going to study for the test.」
Even if I keep thinking about Miyagi, I will never know what the right relationship is with Miyagi.
Right now, it seems easier to study for the midterm test, which always has the right answer.
Besides, it is more distracting to do something.
I place my textbooks and notebooks open on my desk.
My phone was ringing again on the bed, but I looked down at my textbook.