What Sendai-san knows — 97
Translated by KaiesV
Edited by KaiesV
The black cat bed that Sendai-san gave me today became my pillow.
On the back of the crocodile, tissues cannot be used, and if I am not careful, they will fall off.
The desk top was a distraction from studying, and books were difficult to retrieve on the bookshelf.
So the bedside became the place to be, by choice, not by design.
「She said you’re friends.
Are you happy」
I ask, pulling the crocodile, which has its permanent place on the floor, up onto the bed.
The crocodile does not answer when placed next to a black cat.
It would be scary if it answered.
What does Sendai-san think I am
I don’t have a lot of stuffed animals in my room just because my tissue cover is a crocodile, and I’ve never said I liked stuffed animals.
I had never said I liked cats or animals.
It is unclear why I was given a stuffed black cat as a Christmas gift.
For the most part, Sendai-san doesn’t seem like the type of person who would give a stuffed animal as a gift.
When I thought about it, it seems to me that she chose the stuffed animal for a reason, or that she chose it at random because she didn’t care about me.
But if she had given me an accessory as I had given her an accessory, I would have pushed her back.
I feel like I was able to receive it because it was a stuffed animal, a halfway house.
The problem is that there is one more thing associated with her in this room.
「I don’t even know what to do with her uniform.」
I pat the black cat on the head and then look in the closet.
In that closet is Sendai-san’s blouse.
The blouse I never wore was tied to several memories, and I tried to get it out of this room but could not.
Now it sits in my closet looking like my uniform.
And the newly arrived black cat in this room is also connected to Sendai-san.
Moreover, the events of the day, which I would like to seal off, are so ingrained in me that I can’t drop them.
These things are a real problem.
I laid down the crocodile to the floor.
I exhale all the air in my body and close my eyes.
I never want Sendai-san to know that what happened on this bed was terribly embarrassing but not disgusting enough to ban me.
With Sendai-san, she ended up doing more than I expect.
I don’t deny that she have thought a little bit, but I think I have allowed it too much.
We didn’t have sex.
It should have been Sendai-san who said so in the beginning, but somehow this keeps happening.
I thought that rule was so obvious to us that we didn’t even need to make a promise, and yet we did something that could be called a rule breaker today as well as during the summer vacation.
I really didn’t mean to make her go through all that.
If I complained to Senda-san, she would probably say that I was the one who chose to allow her to go that far, but I had to forgive her because she had agreed to help me study during the winter break.
Now that I think about it, it seems that the reason Sendai-san did not mention winter vacation at all was to extract an exchange from me.
I am angry because I feel like I was made to blame everything on Sendai-san so that I could sort out my feelings that what happened today was something that had to be done.
And even if that is the case, I am bewildered at myself for unconditionally forgiving her like that.
It is always me who chooses, not Sendai-san.
I am carefully chosen.
I think Sendai-san is sneaky.
She sets the rules for herself, but then kicks away the rules she has set and approaches me.
The seed of this relationship was planted by me, who paid five thousand dollars to buy her.
The seed was one that would never grow and should have remained buried in the ground and not even sprouted.
But Sendai-san is watering and nurturing those seeds.
I didn’t ask her to do that.
If only the seed had been planted, we could have made the graduation ceremony a breakthrough without any resistance.
But once they sprout, I felt guilty about plucking them.
And the bigger they grow, the more hesitant we are to end their lives.
In fact, I regret that I decided to end our relationship at the end of graduation ceremony on that day.
And yet, I don’t regret so much about what happened today.
However, I am not convinced about the fact that I am the only one who was embarrassed.
I feel like I am the only one who lost out.
I would like to call Sendai-san to complain if possible, but we are not on the same side of the phone.
It is not yet time for her to sleep, so I am sure she will pick up the phone if I called her.
But after what happened today, I can’t call her with so much as a complaint.
I couldn’t ask Sendai-san to have dinner with me, and she left without mentioning dinner.
I was just pretending not to feel awkward, so I was even careful to call her over winter break.
「It’s because Sendai-san is messing things up.」
If I called her right after the vacation, shs should to expect something, and if I don’t call her, she won’t know what the exchange was for.
I picked up the black cat by my bedside.
I tried to throw it to the ceiling, but stop.
I took hold of the black cat’s hand and return it to its original position.
I’m used to being alone, but today when I’m alone with my thoughts, all I can think about is what I don’t want to think about.
This room is so difficult to spend time in today that it doesn’t feel like my room.
I feel uncomfortable as if I can feel the presence of Sendai-san, who should not be here.
I get up and take my phone from the table.
I want to talk to someone, but the word “someone” brings to mind Sendai-san’s face.
But “anyone” is “anyone” and not limited to Sendai-san.
And the black cat and the crocodile are by my side, but they don’t talk to me.
I show Maika’s name on the display.
『Do you have time now I want to talk a little bit.』
I send a message to Maika, and she replied,『It’s okay.』I immediately call and am relieved to hear a cheerful voice on the other end of the phone.
The familiar voice calms me down.
I am not going to talk about what happened here today.
So I started talking with Maika about what happened today in a place that is not here.